It crept up on me.
I thought everything was ok. I thought it might finally be getting better than ok. My new job clearly suited me; the hours were sometimes outrageous, but more often than not perfectly manageable. We had some amazing weekends. The little man slept in longer, we had leisurely mornings with him happily pottering around our feet. Lovely days just the three of us, splashing in puddles and watching Netflix during long, easy naps.
It crept up on me.
A couple of evenings out with friends were cancelled. I didn't mind; I would rather go home and curl up. I was tired. The little man got a bug...and then another bug...suspected chicken pox and a scarlet fever fear. I cancelled meeting a friend who was pregnant, just in case. I didn't rearrange. I realised absentmindedly that the big man and I hadn't slept more than 6 hours a night for about two weeks. I got a cold. I got over it. I got a sinus infection. I didn't get over it. I still had Netflix and cosiness. Then I didn't: the little man stopped settling in the evenings. We alternated sitting by his cot for the majority of the long, long night. We powered through.
His birthday plans fell apart when we dragged a feverish little man to the local pub, and were then consumed with guilt when we realised what we'd done. My plans of a night out fell apart with exhaustion.
In the three months since christmas, I've met up with a friend independently of the little or big man once. Once. My freedom, my me-time is the office. That isn't freedom; my little team is getting hungrier as I get better, my days are filled with calls and decisions.
It crept up on me.
I couldn't (can't?) leave the house when both little men are there. I don't want to. The guilt consumes me. Isn't it enough that I pursue something so frivolous as a career? We should move somewhere cheaper, where we can afford it if I don't work. I should stay home and disappear into full time worship of my beautiful little man.
It crept up on me. I was overly optimistic. I do not know what the right thing to do is. I do not know what balance is.
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